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I have a FATALFAME FETUS, do you?

CONGRESS IS AFTER ME!!!! HELP

05.29.04 (10:49 am) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104149.12[/b]

This will be a short blog since I broke my wrist yesterday at the Hotel. I can only type with one finger and people are staring at me thinking that I got an F in 7th grade type!...O.k. I did, but that's not what's important. What is important is a previous blog, you guys remember...the one about how to tell if your congressman is a space alien? CHECK STARDATE 104126.14 or MAY 6th for the lazy people. Well It got alot of attention....someone's attention. Last week I served a party after the opera where I spotted a man that stood 6'6''. I chose to investigate and upon discovery of the man's identity, had the disheartening realization that it was Senator Bob Benett. His unusal height was the perfect dead give away he was out of this world. He caught me looking at him with intent and waved at me. He then left the room, so naturally I followed him into the elevator. Yep, just me and this tall man. I thanked him for gracing our Hotel with his prestigious company. Delighted that a young REPUBLICAN would recognize him, he shook my hand exclaiming it was a pleasure. I was half tempted to introduce him to my blog....but I thought otherwise. The very next day was a luncheon where yet another Senator found his way into my web of conspiracy. Yes Senator Jake Garn was served by me...and get this, he's actually been to space. I totally had to shake his hand and discovered flesh and blood much to my relief. I know what your asking. Is it a coincidence that these men came to the Hotel after my blog?...Were they responsible for all the chaos that erupted at work just recently?...Did they set traps? Of course not. It's just a blog...geeez guys, I'm not that big of a geek....Though Fatalfame would have you believe otherwise! ---Laters

:END LOG ENTRY :?

I'M KING OF THE WORLD

05.28.04 (9:24 am) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104148.11[/b]

Well, yesterday at the Hotel, in light of all the chaos recently, the management decided to have a Titanic party. Now, am I the only one that thinks this is a bad idea?...didn't the Titanic end in disaster. Sounds to me like we are spitting in the face of fate. Anywho, 125 guest showed up, in full costum. I had to wear some tuxedo thing with very white gloves as I made my way through the room, tray of champagne in hand, excalaiming welcome aborad to all the guests. That's right.......everyone had to be in full character....They even had the orchestra play. I thought it was fun and all, but decided to spice it up a bit. So I grabbed Liz, who likes to go by Elle, and told her our parts were a little more complicated. I explained to her that we were from the 24th century and our starship had come back in time to make sure a man named Hans Kaiser survived the disaster. Why Hans Kaiser you ask? Well turns out Hans would play a crucial part 33 years later helping the United States conduct their heavy water experiments and discover deutirium...you know the extra hydrogen atom allowing the United States to make the first atom bomb. If he died, Nazi Germany would have captured the world. The only drawback to the mission was Hans' wife Zelda had to die. If she survived she would murder him in 1928 for a heated crime of passion after discovering him in bed with another man. Elle and I picked a man from the audience. It was then my goal to touch his shoulder sometime through out the night so we could get a transporter lock on him and beam him aboard the ship; All before I had to turn on the smoke machine...mimicking the disaster. As soon as I filled the entire room with fog, the guests left for an hour while the staff reset the room to seem like the rescue ship Carpathia. I then had to pass around hot chocolate and put blankets around guests as they returned, asking them if they were o.k. In real life though, my great, great uncle, William Murdock, was the first officer of the Titanic. Deary's husband, my grandpa was named after him. Well I touched Han's shoulder and he came back to the survivor party and Zelda died in the depths of the frigid sea.....Hans took it pretty hard. It looks like I saved civilization as we know it...I doubt the Nazi's would allow us to have blogs!

:END LOG ENTRY 8)

PEOPLE THAT ARE LATE

05.27.04 (8:27 am) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104147.10[/b]

I made myself extremely depressed today when, just for kicks, I calculated that every 7 1/2 seconds, Bill Gates makes as much money as I have in my entire 401k. Geeeeeeeez. Ya know, if I ever met him I would simply ask him to give me 5 minutes worth of his net. He's a computer geek, he could figure it out, and then I would be on my way to Hawaii and send a prestigoius invitation over to William Shatner to come over and watch episode 19 of the original series with me! I'm sure he has connections at priceline.com Wait a sec, I'd just pay for him. Then I would buy a lifetime supply of Mike and Ikes, and eat only the red ones because I could afford it. And of course commodities, stocks and realistate. Nice to dream isn't it. Well today my soapbox is people that are late. If I were Bill Gates, I would put some of that money to good use and force everyone to wear digital clocks on their forheads. That way, when they were late, you could totally call them on it and say..."don't blame me, your the one who has a messed up internal clock." Then I would hold them down and reprogram the time and alarm so they would never be late again. It would also be beneficial in choosing friends.....One could simply steer clear from all the idiots with blinking twelves on their forheads! TOODLES.

:END LOG ENTRY :evil:

BIG WAKE UP CALL

05.25.04 (3:12 pm) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104145.17[/b]

I got a call to go into work today..so I did, not knowing what to except with the CURSE in full force. Turns out it was just a routine day.....except a girl had a seizure and I had to help. Other than that, it was a sunny day on Sunday, so I ventured up the mountains for a couple hours before the "Alias" cliffhanger party I was going to attend. Hmmmmm Jennifer Garner beating thugs with a metal rod in a sports bra...Yummy!. Ok I'm back with ya...little visual going there.. ok so anyway, I discovered this little nook up the mountains when I was in charge of a team that was searching for Elisibeth Smart. I still go there often by myself to escape and just sit and relax with a book under a tree. Well on that day I was feeling a little tired, so I put down my Harry Potter book (THIRD ONE IS THE BEST BY THE WAY) and decided to rest my head on some leaves wondering if HOGWORTS had scholorships. It was a nice 20 minute nap until I woke up...............................covered in ants. Right then and there, the T.V. showing the charming events of my life should have gone to black and a big...TO BE CONTINUED, should have popped up. Don't you wish that was the case in real life...especially during the summer. That way, you could sit and think about the current crisis for three months and totally have an answer to all the problems before your life continued in the fall....cool cliffhanger music would have be awesome too as I discovered 200 little critters all over me, BUT NO, life kept going....without the music. I started laughing real hard as I brushed them all off because I didn't want nipples of fire again. I thought that only happened to idiots....guess not, just real stupid idiots. It took me forever to get them off, but I did and giggled all the way doing it. I guess Someone knew I was interested in HOGWARTS and gave me my answer to reapply again next year!

:END LOG ENTRY :oops:

IT'S A CURSE I TELL YA!

05.24.04 (8:28 am) [edit]

CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE 104144.10

My hotel is cursed...that's all there is to it. On Friday morning, one of our cooks was shot in the throat.....then ten hours later, someone tries to set the 8th floor on fire. (The same 8th floor as all the murders) 5 fire trucks and the closing down of main street. Well, lets sum it all up..........

1. Four years ago a man is found murdered. He occupied room 806 and his body was stuffed down the laundry shaft.

2. About a month ago a man was discovered on the 15th floor trying to set the place on fire. I was in charge of the security team that had to check the elevators for tampering....I was the only one that thought of that so I'm pretty proud of myself.

3. Three weeks ago on Saturday, a man was found dead in room 806...the same room as the murder before.

4. A few days ago a sign falls off of the hotel and comes crashing down on the pavement almost killing a person.

5. On Friday morning a cook discovers someone breaking into his car in the parking lot. He tries to stop the guy, gets shot, blood everywhere.......he's ok folks.

6. On the same Friday, someone tries to light the 8th floor on fire. Hmmmmmmmmmm

I do know this. Important depostions were taking place at the hotel, meaning witnesses were being put in front of video cameras to explain their scary testimonies. I wasn't even allowed in the room because of angry looking rent-a-cops. A little fishy with all the exciting chaos!!!It's a little bit ironic, don't you think, a little to ironic, ya I really do think! Now some of you might say, it's just a run down white trash hotel....WELL YOU'RE WRONG! My hotel was voted 8th in the entire United States for ambience and service....SO THERE! :o

:END LOG ENTRY

WE HAVE A BLOG DOWN! REPEAT THE BLOG IS DOWN

05.20.04 (2:38 pm) [edit]

CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104140.16

Well, I hope that my blog recovers from all the problems headquarters is having. How long does it take to switch servers anyway? Is everyone drinking Draino? At the very least my soapbox today is a simple one. Other than a 400lbs sign falling off my hotel and almost killing a person, I must say it is cursed. Just a couple of weeks ago a man was found murdered in his room, "mysteriously." The errie part about the whole thing is a murder took place in that very same room 3 years before....only that body was shoved down the laundry shaft! Loooooooooong way down. Could there be a connection? Did the man that was murdered, murder the one who was murdered before? Did I commit the murder because the man only tipped me a 20 after I made a mean "Speak Easy" (New Drink) Anyway back to my soapbox, I have access to every radio station in the world, so I chose the relaxing vibes of the new age staiton. All of a sudden some Indian flute comes on and starts a long winded solo that lastes 10 minutes. Then the very next selection is some oriental harp with the same long, meaningless, 10 minute torture of the ears. My question is, if this is new age, why are they playing such drab that makes me think of Dances with Wolves and Chinese food....sounds like OLD AGE TO ME! Good bye for now...I'll write something meaningful later when the head bloggers get their butts in gear and fix evryone's blog! 'Till then, sister suzy sitting on a thistle.

:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

:END LOG ENTRY

NIPPLES OF FIRE!!!

05.17.04 (11:13 am) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104137.12[/b]

Downstairs in my Grandma's house is the ultimate shower head. This prized jewel of Salt Lake, crafted in the 60's, has such amazing water pressure that it is exquisite utter joy to experience this thing. Well a couple weeks ago, I was in the mood for this nice long relaxing shower. After I washed myself and was squeaky clean, I noticed in the basket of shower goodies a product known as NAIR. Lets face it people, I'm a just a guy, a regular guy. I've never really dealt with such products that promise total hair removal in four minutes.....without shaving no less. All one has to do is spray it on the hair, then sit and ponder modern science at work. Well, to make a long story short, I decided to use it on the small patch of chest hair I have..............as well as my nipples. Four minutes went by and I wiped off the hair with a simple wash cloth, thinking that this was the coolest thing I had seen in months. Not but ten minutes later, my poor little nipples were fire engine red and so sensitive that the mere touch of clothing sent pain chills through my body arching my back and raising the hiars on the back of my neck. Concerned I reread the directions which didn't say anything about applying it to these specail places....until the very last line on the bottle....DO NOT APPLY TO NIPPLES OR GROIN AREA! OOOOOUCH! Why on earth wasn't that the first warning on the label. How lucky am I that I wasn't super curious as to expose other things to this NAIR stuff. Anyway, 2 weeks went by and finally my little guys are out of the woods. meaning they aren't all..........well, I'll spare you guys the graphic details and charming visuals that for sure would have popped in your heads!

TOODLES!!! :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:

:END LOG ENTRY

AWESOME FACTS YOU DIDN'T KNOW

05.14.04 (1:34 pm) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104134.14[/b]

I collect useless facts as a hobby. Now some of these useless tibits of info make me wonder how they were discovered.....I'll let your imaginations take the helm.

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. (I SAID BLACK)

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
(WHO WAS THE MUCUSILY CHALLENGED PERSON THAT DISCOVERED THAT ONE)

Goerge Washington grew marijuana in his garden
(I WONDER WHAT THE BOSTON TEA PARTY WAS REALLY ABOUT)

A giraffe has a 21 inch tounge
(ENOUGH SAID)

In Lebanon it is legal to have sex with a female animal, but illegal with a male one.
(DID THIS ACTUALLY GO TO COURT?)

Before the 1950's money was made from Hemp (marijuana) (SMOKE'EM IF YA GOT EM...OH HEY MOM)

Chocolate kills dogs! True, Chocolate affects a dogs heart and nervous system, a few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
(HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DOG TALBERT? I LAST SAW HIM FEB OF 2001)

Most lipstick contains fish scales
(YIKES! I GUESS I'LL STILL KISS.... AFTERALL I LIKE SALMON)

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants
(THIS MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH HAVING SEX WITH MALE ANIMALS...MAYBE)

By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
(GOOD TO KNOW...I GUESS. WHO FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY)

Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. (SOMEONE WAS BORED)

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (TAX PAYER DOLLARS AT WORK)

Cat's urine glows under a black light
(OTHER THINGS GLOW AS WELL)

Human birth control pills work on Gorillas!
(WHO TOLD?)

Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.
(THAT EXPLAINS IT...MAYBE THERE'S A PATTERN...
MR. HUSSEIN THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW!)

:END LOG ENTRY

ANOTHER HAIRCUT CLOSE CALL

05.13.04 (3:13 pm) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104133.16[/b]

I had to get another haircut today so I went back to THE SCARY BARBERSHOP. The last time I went there, my barber grabbed my face and told me to look into her eyes.....She then went on to explain that I looked exactly like her nephew that had just fallen off a roof and died a few days before. She went on to narrate the whole story as literal clumps of hair simply fell from my head.....I didn't want to interrupt her diatribe because she was all tearing over....So when the moment finally came to where she had completed her story, she hands me a mirror. I cursed inwardly and faked a smile that was masking the twisted terror I felt inside at my apperance; which resembled an onion no less. I left in a hurry to get back to my car so I wouldn't have to endure the taunts from cars whoooshing by and made it to my friends house. She immediately fixed my hair.....The next day at work I viewed the obituaries and discovered a boy who resembled me exactly...even down to the onion shaped haircut. I went back today, many months later and requested a man this time. Well as my luck would have it, the T.V. was all jacked up volume high in this conversationless Barbershop as the seasons most heated episode of Dr. Phil was in progress. I thought all was well until my Barber dropped the trimmer in my lap and apologized for his lack of concentration. GREAT!!! After he gave me the mirror, I learned my hair wasn't that bad....but the guy gave me the added bonus of a 2 minute massage! Hmmmmmmmm. I've been going there on and off for many years and never before have I gotten a massage. As I was leaving though, the lady who accentuated my rugged good looks last time, flashed me the "you look familiar," stare. I exited the shop very quickly! So six weeks from now, when I'm do for another do, I will avail myself to the young hotties at TOP CUT and pay the extra 5 bucks not to look like produce! :roll:

:END LOG ENTRY

DIRTY, ROTTEN, NO GOOD, BAD DAY

05.12.04 (3:10 pm) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE 104132.15[/b]

FATALFAME and I hung out today. We met up with Nate and then went over to the Hotel to film footage for the commercial we are doing. FATALFAME tried the Shock therapy, but apperently his shoes where all rubber and the experiment was useless. SEE STARDATE: 104128.15------- FATALFAME was the poor victim of identity theft with his credit card and not only that, but his slave-driving master sent him home from work because of his foot injury (SEE HIS BLOG FOR DETAILS) All was well until we decided to eat at Panda Express. I guess I don't do to well with food. The broccoli was "poop" brown....I just thought it had soaked up all the jucies, but no...it was rotten poop brown. While eating my orange chicken, FATALFAME spotted a hair poking out of my full mouth as I chewed. "Hold very still," he said, concern in his eyes. He reached over the table, grabbed on the hair and pulled. It was a hair from a girl...nice and loooooooong! I could feel it tickle my tounge as it made it was through the half masticated orange chicken I simply held my breath, fighting down the reflex gag so my dignity could once again be preserved. I finished the whole dinner just because I was half starved and really I thought the broccoli was just juice soaked. Anyway, I wanted to get the taste of the illustrious oriental cuisine out of my mouth so I thought I would buy a gourment watermelon gumball. YUMMY! Naturally when I turned the handle of the gumball machine, the accompanying lever sound that acctually drops the ball into the slot was silent...I WAS ROBBED!!!!!!!! and of course I was out of quarters. So to cheer us up on the way back to the car we thought it would be funny to walk down the street backwards in deep conversation...I'm sure we got looks while crossing the street. A street bum decided to grace our presence and asked for change giving some usless story that he was stranded from St. Louis. HIS BREATH WAS TOXIC...so while giving him the change I said I didn't want my money used for booze.....He replied with a derogatory statement I'm sure I can't post. We'll see how far my .30 cents gets him...If I hadn't tried for a gumball he could have had .55 -----So I made it to the library to blog when on my way to the building I was struck in the face by a peice of hail....BULL'S EYE! It hurt...Anyway I need to barf, hurl, vomit, whatever. Read FATALFAMES blog though, I'm sure he'll write about it as well! ---SEACREST OUT...oh, uhh, I mean CAPTAIN OUT!

oh ya...it's only 4:15

:END LOG ENTRY :(

QUESTIONS THAT REALLY NEED ANSWERS!

05.11.04 (3:22 pm) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104131.16[/b]

[u]NOTE TO THE READER:[/u] [i]PLEASE FAMILIARIZE YOURSELVES WITH MY [b]APRIL[/b] BLOGS SO YOU CAN FOLLOW ALONG AND HAVE THE FULL SCOOP![/i]

In my continuing search to discover the first person who had the courage to look at a cow and say, "I think I will drink whatever comes out between his legs," [b]CHECK[/b] [b]STARDATE: 104118.15[/b] I would like to submit some questions given to me by my friend Brandy that are as equally thought provoking and will most assuredly have you sitting on the floor, indian style, chanting "OHMMMMM" to discover the answers. Here goes!

1. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." Then they discover it's an embryo and eat it anyway?

2. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

3. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why on earth did someone want to remember it with a song?

4. Can a hearse carrying a corspe drive in the carpool lane? CAN THEY???????????????? [b]CHECK STARDATE: 104112.18[/b]

5. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

6. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from! THE HUMANITY....OH THE HUMANITY!

7. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? [b]CHECK STARDATE: 104111.16[/b]

8. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune...AND BAHHH BAHHH BLACK SHEEP HAVE YOU ANY WOOL? same tune..I discovered that doing the OHMMMMMMMM thing.

9. If you are singing right now, you owe me a dollar!

10. Have you noticed that when you blow into a dogs face he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a ride he sticks his head out the window?

11. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

It's getting to the point where I can't sleep at night because "I NEED ANSWERS." If you know, please comment and once again thank you Brandy for bringing these questions to our attention. Giggles and snorts for Brandy!!!

:END LOG ENTRY :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:

HANNIBAL LECTOR AND MY TURKEY

05.10.04 (12:05 pm) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104130.13[/b]

I had the opportunity to watch "HANNIBAL" the other night. This was the follow up story to the illustrious movie "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS." The charming visuals of people being eating made me lose my appetite quickly. I was eating a roasted turky T.V. dinner, which while watching normal movies, usually tastes very good. I even cooked it for the recommened 7 minutes, but it was still cold as I bit into the center right has HANNIBAL took a scoop of a man's brain on the silver screen. The turkey fell off my fork and made a fleshy kinda slap sound as it hit the black plastic tray full of soggy croutons and gravy. YUMMY! My advice is don't ever eat anything when you watch these movies. If you decide to ignore my warning and you do suddenly find yourself grossed out, rush into the kitchen and grab some pepper. Go into the bathroom and lock the door. Ginergly take the pepper and pour some into your hand, then sniff it immediately to induce sneezing, not vomiting, sneezing. After your first sneeze hold your face muscles in the exact place after the sneeze, then look into the mirror. Hysterical laughing will soon follow and the dark canabalistic mood will vanish....you might even get your appetite back for Swanson's roasted turkey!

:END LOG ENTRY :roll:

SHOCK THERAPY!

05.08.04 (3:10 pm) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104128.15[/b]

I didn't like work yesterday...First off the dry cleaners super starched my shirt to the point where it felt I was sporting cardboard. A business group was having a lunch at one of our suites so my job was to clear the plates during the shift change. I would discretly clear as many as possible but of course just moving was SO FRIEKING LOUD, the speaker stopped her speech to look over at me. I simply smiled. Downstairs in the office, a girl who had seen me just the day before, asked if I had been working out and that I looked bigger! STUPID!!!!!! ya can't get bigger in one day unless you had an i.v of steroids and it was a 24 hour lift-a-thon. Anyway, that's not why work was bad. The Hotel just installed brand new carpet on my floor imported from SPAIN. What's the problem? Well let me just say that new carpet and Doc Martins DO NOT MIX. The resulting ion resin that accumulates stays hidden for awhile riding on the backs of your protons until ZAP! contact with a metal suface. The resulting static discharge makes you jump a foot. There's really nothing you can do if you are carrying a 20lb tray on your shoulder....ya just have to touch the door handle and take the pain. I made the mistake of holding on to a metal cart when I first touched the door handle and might I say, in addition to having the hair on my neck raise, it was quite stimulating to see that the initial electric shock was accompanied by streaks of lightening!
There's no way I'll quit though....$20 an hour after taxes is worth a litle pain...alot of pain actually. In that shift alone I was shocked 50 times. Hmmmmmmmmmmm 50 shocks a shift. It's worth it. I spent the rest of the afternoon simply sitting by the door "forgetting to warn the people I dislike," about the surprise. Funny thing is, people would always shake their hands after as if they were on fire. Other than that it was a pretty normal day except I missed out on the murder of guest last Saturday! I should have gone in to check my schedule!

:END LOG ENTRY :cry:

SOME MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE SPACE ALIENS

05.06.04 (2:04 pm) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104126.14[/b] :o

This is serious people...read carefully. Beware of politicians who make you sleepy when they talk!----That's just one of the signs you and your family can tell a member of congress is a SPACE ALIEN. I just came across this article, so I'll pass along the signs to you.

1. Space aliens can be highhanded and act superior because they come from advanced cultures and are far more intelligent than you are. If you feel a congressman talks down to his constituents or patronizes them shamelessly, he might be from another world.

2. Space aliens never quite assimilate the meanings of words in english and use words in ways that are nebulous and abstract. If you notice that your eyes are glazing over and you're getting sleepy while listening to a congressman try to answer a simple question or give a speech, chances are he's got ALIEN BLOOD flowing through his viens.

3. Space aliens are very good at seeing shades and levels of reality that humans are too primitive to recognize or understand. If a congressman "speaks out of both sides of his mouth" or even seems to lie through his teeth, he may be a space alien who hasn't yet learned that you aren't evolved enough to understand that "black and white" "up and down" are the same thing.

4. Space aliens females tend to be homely or even look like men in wigs and women's clothes. If a congressman insists to be female, but doesn't quite look it, you'll want to keep an eye on her.

5. Space aliens don't always show up on camera. If you seldom see a particular congressman on national T.V. or watch legislative action on C-span and notice some empty chair----don't take it lightly.

THESE LAST TWO I DISCOVERED BASED ON TEDIOUS RESEARCH

6. Space aliens love our produce. Take note to the ones who own many vineyards and farms...maily tomatoes.

7. Some aliens have heads to large to cover up with human face looking masks. Look for heads and hair to disproportionate to the rest of their bodies. Chances are an alien is lurking behind that prosthetic exterior.

With these seven steps you can identify the aliens and help take back earth from "VISITORS." You see the flaw in the CONSTITUTION is that if aliens were born in the U.S. they are eligible to serve---even if their parents flew here in a UFO. The same rules apply to Mexicans and other immigrants! Let's all stick together...

GOOD LUCK!

:END LOG ENTRY :o :o :o :o

CRAZY BIRTHDAY BASH!!!!!!!

05.04.04 (10:55 am) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104124.11[/b]

Yesterday was eventful because many birthday's and christenings took place. First off we all met at Ben's house for the release of the new lawn mower for his business. He had chairs set out in his front yard surrounding the mower that was under a sheet. About ten guys showed up which was a little less of a turn out we have had in ther past. Ben conducted the ceremony by first raising the flag on the giant white pole in his front yard. We all had to stand putting our hands over our hearts. Ben played "STARS AND STRIPES" while he read a General Patton speech to us lasting about 5 minutes. Then finally the moment came. He simply pulled the sheet off to reveal a bright, shiney, new red BRIGGS AND STRATTON mower...it was wicked awesome to her all the gasps. Brody had the distict honor of christening the mower because it was his turn. He took the bottle of sparkling cider grape juice striking it against the front of the mower shattering it everywhere. Then the name "DR. EVIL" sprang from his lips, and thus it was named. Ben then pulled the starter cord and boy did the mower purr like a kitten...we all cheered.------Then it was John's birthday. John had a birthday wish that we would all watch him eat a steak. So, his dad made him the steak, he got in a suit, and we all surrounded the table while he relished his t-bone. It made us all salivate because he claimed we would get one later but he was just pulling our legs. That's John for ya! After we tinkered with his new digital camera, we reailzed we were acting like 13 year-olds with it and we had to erase the photos that were very "incriminating." ------By this time it was getting late so Ben took over and completley shut John's birthday down because we got into a heated conversation about immigrants and affirmative action....I was winning. John's mom was totally on my side. Anywho, Ben gave us all party hats that read JR. NAVY SEALS and we all climbed into his truck for it's birthday. We then honored the late John Bonham, drummer for LED ZEPPLIN who choked on his own vomit, by listen to RAMBLE ON and KASHMIR. That was a very silent moment of silence!!!!!!!! It is tradition with my friends that when your car turns 100,000 miles you should have a birthday for it. The trick is getting it to turn 100,000 where you want it to turn 100,000. Ben decided on 39 south and State Street. (where he first saw his truck) We had to spend three miles driving around the same block, but sure enough he nailed it right on. Ben turned on his hazzards, pulled out the little annoying party blow toys and we conferenced called our friends in California. After singing happy birthday, Ben gave us all little matchbox trucks. I laughed because John said the little trucks were Chevy's not Ford's like Ben's F-250. He told us to shut up. Ben then broke out the Dr. Pepper's and the birthday cake he specifically had made at Albertson's. He said the lady baker started laughing when Ben had her write, HAPPY 100,000 my F-250, with frosting. We told Ben it was his fault for never really naming his truck...I mean really, what kind of a name is F-250. My car is FIZBIN GIZBOT, John has BUSTER and the EXCELSIOR. Anyway Ben was stubborn and said F-250 was it's name "NO EXCEPTIONS." A cop drove by us to see what was up, but when he saw us he simply laughed and drove off...I wanted to give him some cake! It would have been a nice gesture before the illustrious drunk tests began, but we don't drink. We then picked up J.R. becasuse we didn't have enough miles we could spare in "F-250." to pick him up earlier. He was ok with it though so we all went to Dee's family restaurant wearing the party hats. Wolverine was there as well...he's a guy that comes to Dee's everyday and has for years. He puts on his head phones and watches a DVD on his little player. I've seen him for about five years now and I should introduce myself, but he looks like the Wolverine and I get scared. Everyone got milkshakes and I got potato soup that looked like snot. We talked about how STING claims he can have sex for 8 hours straight. I don't know if that's true...STING claims it is. We all discussed that they must totally have stock in K-Y jelly and they must get way thirsty. John had the epiphany that they must both wear camel backs because obviously they can't stop and get a drink of water in the bathroom or they would have to start over. Hmmmmmmmmmm Life's little mysteries. Well that's about it. That pretty much is a typical day when my friends and I get together. All in all it was a pretty good night!

:END LOG ENTRY 8)

THE KEYBOARD IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL PLAYTHING!

05.03.04 (2:06 pm) [edit]

[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE 104123.14[/b]

I have to come to the good ol' library to create my blogs because the standard dial-up connection at my house is as slow as molasses in January! If I didn't I would miss out on the freak-show people I like to call "LIBRARY TRANSIENTS." As we speak the girl to my left couldn't hold in her laughter and has currently dotted her plasma computer screen with the escaping saliva projectiles. She is not the TRANSIENTS to whom I am refering however, for I as well have had to put myself in the fetal postion, AGAIN because I have to dry my eyes which are now soaking from my laughter. (CHECK STARDATE 104118.15 FOR DETAILS) Luckily I am able to take refuge behind my screen so the man in front of me will not know that we are laughing about him..... He is typing so hard on the keyboard, it sounds like someone is in a tree throwing whoppers at my car windshield! Plus it would appear he is only typing with his two pointy fingers. I try to hold my composure when I look up because it's hard to type when my face is one inch from the keyboard, BUT I CAN'T because the absolute best is when people walk by him, hear his typing, and have to do a double take and slow their stride at the utter disbelief. It's happened twice already. The whole library just echoes. I urge all of you who have time on your hands to chuck hard candy at windows just to hear how crazy this is... DO NOT ATTEMPT ON YOUR KEYBOARDS. ANYWAY, I will BLOG again later with the topic I had in mind for today, but I can't concentrate. Therefore, go ahead and familiarize yourself with my April Blogs and laugh your butts off!

:END LOG ENTRY :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: