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I have a FATALFAME FETUS, do you?
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| WHO MAKES IT ALL UP? |
| 06.30.04 (11:32 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104181.13[/b]
Some people say my blog is boring and monotonous. They also claim I just write about stupid things.....well duh. I've told everyone that my blog turns the mudane and the ordinary into moderately good reading. So in honor of those few people, I've decided to blog about the most boring thing possible. NO IT'S NOT THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF BARBARA BUSH. It's simply talking about the luckily individual who gets to make up words. Who is this person, and why is it that if they make up a word, it's concrete? Is it some kind of government job? Seriously, who made up the word TABERNACLE...or PICKLE. Listen to how ridiculous those sound when you say them slowly...hey RIDICULOUS there's one right there. The interesting part about all of this, is that we've all gotten use to these funny words. Take SNEEZE for instance. SNEEEEZZEE! Look at it in a different light. It sounds like it came from a DR. SUESS book. Or BANANNA....what is that?... a BAN on ANNA's eating this fruit because she's allergic? Or FELINE...how does that describe a cat?
I don't know, sometimes I get so worked up. So I'm going to make up a word...no no, two words. If Snoopdog can create SHIZNIT, I can make up something as well. So here goes. A new word that has recently been created is called a FLORN. Why FLORN?................Why SNEEZE? Oh, oh, also, that little part on your windshield the windsheild wipers miss that looks like a shark's fin is called a SMARF. Go, look to see if you have on right now! Better clean those SMARFS. I could go on for hours....but I won't. Please feel free to give your new words a run through on my comments list. I'd love to see some new FLORNS!
:END BLOG ENTRY :?:
p.s. Kudos to the guy who came up with SCRUPLES
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| COMPLETE AND UTTER CONTROL |
| 06.28.04 (10:57 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104179.12[/b]
Well, I don't know much about yawns, but what I do know is the urban legend exclaiming that you can catch them from your exhausted friends is a sure reality. I personally haven't the slightest clue as to why our bodies feel the need for a sudden breath of air. Notwithstanding, I'm sure the air is needed for our brain chemistry to ward off the increasing levels of dopamine so our little neurons continue to fire thus maintaing a conscious state even when our body has being crying for a break.
Although I do find entertainment in the fact that you can basically manipulate any situation with anybody, by merely faking a yawn. Seriously, if you're with a group of people, you' re tired and it's late. Just yawn. One by one it will flow through your friends like an out of control epidemic. Then at the end of the cycle, simply say, "Wow, didn't think I was so tired...I think I'll call it a night." Suddenly your friends will agree.....yipppeee!!!!! They will want to go home, completley oblivious to the fact that they were manipulated, and they didn't even know it.
Same goes for dates, uncomfortable silences, getting out of a phone call. It's gold people.....gold! Of course I just compromised my little secret to my friends...sorry guys.
Oh, and don't forget if you are ever in court and that 5th amendment thing doesn't seem to be a work'in, give it a yawn....oh yea. give it a yawn. That jury won't be stay'n long, if ya simply open you're mouth and yawn! Give it a yawn, oh yea give it a yawn.
Sing with me people!
END LOG ENTRY:
p.s. If you yawned while reading this, consider yourself maniupulated. Give it a yawn...oh yea, give it a yawn! :wink:
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| REVENGE IS TURKEY BEST SERVED COLD! |
| 06.24.04 (12:31 pm) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104175.14[/b]
I was attacked by 4 weiners on Sunday! It was quite the experience to say the least. One minute I was calm and clean and then the next, dirty, smelly and trying to escape. 4 weiners is alot to handle, especially if you've never handled one before. Oh by the way this is also a "PERV" check. To those who knew I was talking about dogs, congrats. To the others who quietly giggled...SHAME. This wasn't the first time I have had a run in with dogs. Oh yes, there was a time where I was working this offsite banquet for work. It was in one of the more expensive homes on top of the Rocky Mountains. This house minimun was probably worth 5,000,000. It was Christmas and the staff had just finished decorating for dinner; a task that took many hours. While decorating, everyone invloved had to battle these 2 dogs that belonged to the host. Now, I love dogs, but I recognize that they are still dogs. It's the dog owners who think they are human and a part of the family that bug the crap out of me. These 2 German Sheppards had free run of the house as if they thought they were human, thus bringing out the food was complete hell. Soon the 150 guests arrived. You would think the hosts would put the dogs outside, or at the very least help us make sure the dogs would stop jumping up on the banquet table snagging food. WELL THEY DIDN'T. Hours of heated battles went by with these canines until finally the complaining of my friends and the constant pushing away saliva soaked tounges was to much for me and I snapped. After one of the turkeys was done, I had the chef take the carcus into the back; as if we were going to serve dark meat when we had plenty of turkeys. I instucted him to pick the bones dry. 10 min later he calls me back and shows me a huge plate of turkey. "Why did you have me do this?" He asked. I simply placed the plate of turkey on the floor and merely opened the door without answering. Naturally the dogs were right by the door but this time I didn't nudge them to keep out. They came in and started on the plate immediatley. If all went well, within 20 minutes I wouldn't have to deal with these dogs anymore.
Well, the plan went a little to well. The dogs stuffed themselves so fast that the little chemical in turkey that makes you fall asleep must have been a little more potent for them. I came into the living room to see both dogs comatose on the floor, the concerned owner inspecting them closely exclaiming to his wife he had never seen them this way before. When he tried to stand them up, they simply fell over with a THUMP! He even tried opening their eyes, but their eyeballs were going all crazy with hysterical REM patterns. I had to act fast, so I bent down with the owner and said, "Oh, uhh it's real hot in here and there's alot of excitment. Maybe they're just overwhelmed and exhausted...afterall, it's been a big day. Maybe if you take them outside to cool off." "Good idea," he said...thank goodness. Once outside they recovered a little, but they were done for the night, to sleepy to even move. After the night was concluded, the host came up to us and expressed his utter appreciation on how professional we were......little did he know. He then gave us each $200. We declined at first and told him that the tip was included in the bill. He gave it to us anyway. TIPS on TIPS he said, Merry Christmas! I then gave my concern that I hoped his dogs were ok all the while inwardly biting my lip. If he ever found out!!!! Oh well, I guess the dogs were fine because I never heard of the lawsuit, but my co-workers love to remind me of the story every once in a awhile just for kicks and a good laugh!
:END LOG ENTRY :wink:
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| I'M BACK |
| 06.23.04 (12:40 pm) [edit] |
Just a heads up to everyone------I will be a blogg'in in the early morn! I've just been a little bit busy!
CAPTAIN BRIGGS
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| VERY TWISTED DREAM |
| 06.16.04 (8:37 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104167.10[/b]
Sometimes I'm at a loss as to what my subconscious is trying to tell me. Everyone dreams and everyone knows that dreams are the outlets for the problems we face in day to day life; albeit sometimes the imagery has sort of a wacky symbolism to make us ponder just what on earth is bugging us. Well my dream last night falls into this category and has me completely baffled as to its meaning. I was driving in my car minding my own beeswax when all of a sudden there was a terrible car wreck ahead of me. Some car had gone off the road and hit a tree. I was the first one on the scene and when I approached the car that was steaming and mangled, I noticed that no-one was driving it. Upon further investigation I discovered that indeed, someone was driving, they were just short. Really, really short and green. It was Gekko, the Geico insurance lizard. We've all seen the commercials on TV. Well, I flipped out and grabbed the little guy and rushed into the nearest grocery store. Why a grocery store? I dunno ask my brain. Anywho, immediatley upon entering the store, some clerk seemed to already know there was trouble, and he knew it was Gekko. I chose an isle and set him down and.....well this is where it gets embarrassing. The clerk and I started CPR. He would breath for the little guy, (thank goodness that wasn't my job) and I took my forefinger and placed it on his throat mimicking a pumbing action to start his heart. We were unsucessful. Determined and quite resolute I might add, the clairvoyant, well prepared clerk, just happened to have a defibulator on hand. CLEAR!!! he'd scream as the electronic voltage shook the little lizard trying to resesitate his precious life. I can still hear his body absord the shock of electricity...you know the gross sound they always have on ER. Finally, we had to quit. I looked up and noticed people in deep mourning with their faces in their hands, sobbing starting to surface. Then I awoke. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I did note however that indeed that would be a pretty cool spoof for Saturday Night Live. Gekko, the Geico lizard killed in a car accident........I wonder if he had insurance?
:END LOG ENTRY :cry: :cry:
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| WHAT DID YOU JUST DO? |
| 06.14.04 (10:52 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104165.12[/b]
A guy got fired at the "HOTEL," so I've been filling in working two jobs at once. Needless to say I've been busy. I don't complain though. Sometimes the jobs overlap and I pocket $30 bucks an hour. So the other day at work, which is bascially where I live now, I was moving a large table in a rather small hall. I was strutting along at a pretty good pace when I approached a corner. Now, being the good Hotel Employee I am I said to myself, "Slow down, there could be a person right around the corner." There was, and I almost ran into him. But not after his weird little.......well I don't even know what to call it so I'll try to explain. We both hit the corner at the same time. He thought I was going to run straight into him, so instead of saying something like...watch out, or look out...or anything, he just looked at me with these wide eyes and waved his hand like Ben Kenobi using the force and kept walking. I stopped for a sec and turned my head to look at him with an amused expression on my face. If I hadn't been in uniform I would have made fun of this guy like there was no tomorrow! Did this moron honestly think he had the force? Seriously it was the strangest thing a person could have done in that situation. Who does that, especially with WIDE EYES? I guess I have to give him some credit, I didn't hit him with the table. If he did have this gift, why couldn't he have just cleaned up his own stupid table by sending all his plates downstairs via the force? I duuno, I just dunno!
:END LOG ENTRY :?
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| CAUGHT IN THE PAPER SHREDDER |
| 06.11.04 (11:56 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104162.14[/b]
I was reminded of a story today at work as I passed through the office. The manager of room service was shredding important documents and I had to laugh as I heard the mechanical motor chew up his incriminating eveidence. I stopped and decided to share my experience with a paper shredder not but 10 years ago in Germany. Needless to say, he laughed his pants off. I was serving a mission for my church and was about to be sent home. I had been up for 52 hours because there was just to much to do...my body was capable of such magnificent feats back then. I was still helping out in the office, half comatose to say the least, when I bent down to unplug the little portable heater, as was the tradition so we didn't burn down the place at night. All of a sudden I was jerked to the ground and I heard this terrible grinding noise. In that first moment of panic I had to wonder just what on Earth was going on. All to soon I put 2 and 2 together and realized my tie had been sucked up by the shredder........and I was next. Quickly I put my hand right below the knot and grabbed firmly to give me a little slack as I pulled back with all my might. The thing didn't let go. Smoke was starting to rise out of it and the motor started to sound like shifting gears without a clutch. Finally I broke free. After the initial shock eveporated into embarrasment and humor, I glanced at my favorite silk neck tie and saw it was half eaten with shredder teeth marks all over it. Upon hearing the commotion, my comrades came rushing into the room to see me standing there with this stupid expression, a half eaten tie, and a smoking paper shredder. The laughing didn't stop for 30 minutes straight. So, My advice isn't watch yourself around paper shredders...it's merely, don't wear your favorite tie when operating one! :oops: :oops: :oops:
:END LOG ENTRY
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| THE THRONE |
| 06.10.04 (10:53 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104161.12[/b]
Life has it's little interesting ironies. One in particular nataurally occurs at the Hotel in which I work. Everybody has their own rituals when they use the bathroom.....everybody. People like the restroom to be private, clean, smelling good with an eternal, abundant supply of toiletries to always be on hand. And of course most of all, they don't like anyone else to be in the same room just in case a loud squeaker occurs. Such is this bathroom on the second floor of my Hotel. As George from SEINFELD would say, "Exquisite facilities, just exquisite." This restroom is a work of art. Comfortable lighting, clean as clean can get with warm inviting colors so one does not experience stage-fright. Plus it smells sooooooo good with a fragrance I'm sure has to be imported.-----I've noticed an entertaining pattern in the four years of my employment at this place. This secluded restroom is virtually unknown to the public and is a favorite with all the staff. When a number "2" is imminent, they all go to this bathroom. Turns out just recently everyone has realized that everyone else has held this restroom in such high regaurd. Gets even better. Upon further investigation, it would appear that not only does all the staff use the same restroom, but the same stall as well. This is true for the ladies as well in their bathroom....Why? I must ask. Why do humans have to have the same place to, well, you know, go, as cats have to give birth? Is it instinct? I think if everyone got together and discussed it, we would all find some interesting patterns...for instance, some people won't even use a public restroom. Be that as it may, it would seem that indirectly, all of the males' butts have touched. I'm not to happy about that one, though I'm sure some are...if you catch my drift. So in honor of this restroom, next group meeting I have, I will propose the suggestion that those who use this toilet throne, have to sport the stupid paper crown I will pick up BURGER KING. That way, when the #2 comes a knock'in, just head up to the 2nd floor (ironic it's the 2nd floor) reach behind the toilet, grab the CROWN so you can enjoy the THRONE!
:END LOG ENTRY :wink: :wink: :wink:
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| WHO MADE THAT UP? |
| 06.07.04 (9:39 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104158.12[/b]
"Holy response Batman!" I wasn't expecting such a huge following from my last blog entry. Some people, like Julie, didn't believe that it was actually a true story....Well......I'm here to tell you it is. To those viewers that are new, please read the June 4th blog and make sure you are in the mood to laugh.
Yesterday I had a deep conversation about the smaller mysteries in life. Mysteries that deserve our attention. Mysteries that make us all want to ponder the deeper meanings of the cosmos. Mysteries like......who invented the SPORK!
I was looking at this modern marvel the other day in complete and utter awe. "Who was the ad wizard that came up with that one?" Most assuredly, the notable figure that sprang into my mind first, was the Colonel.
"You want some more of my chicken do ya?" Yes I believe that we have KFC to thank for this esquisite invention. Afterall, necessity is the mother of all invention and I only live a few miles from the world's first KFC. I bet you all want to be my friend after reading that. In fact I've eaten there several times. They even have a statue of Colonel Sanders right out front. He's about 5'8'', white beard, all shiney with scary wide eyes with an expression of,"it's my secret recipe not yours," I plan to super glue a spork in the hand that's not saluting when he gets back because they are remodeling the entire restaurant and I believe that he deserves the recognition. Look folks, we don't have to worry about breaking another plastic fork tong in our potato salads anymore!!!!!! I don't know about you, but I hated searching for that little peice....stupid little fork tong. Anyway, I plan on being right there with the Colonel. I'll tell you why. I was really the first peron to invent CAPRIS. Ya, I know what your thinking...sure you did Captain! Well it's true. Originally they were called SHANTS, a combination of pants and shorts. I liked PORTS, which is also a combination of pants and shorts, but didn't like it as much...I thought I'd let the people on the East Coast call them that. Anywho, turns out that I thought everyone would make fun of the girls that actually did wear them and say such derogatory, hurtful statements like..."Where's the flood?" or "Didn't you outgrow those ten years ago?" So I didn't give "GAP" my idea....and look what happened. They totally caught on. Oh well. Maybe one day the truth will be told and Mt. Rushmore will be updated to include, The COLONEL and the CAPTAIN. Then you can tell your grandkids that you use to read my blog!
TOODLES!! :P
:END LOG ENTRY
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| WAIT, IS THAT WHAT IT REALLY SAID? |
| 06.04.04 (11:30 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104155.13[/b]
I was reminded of a story a couple of days ago that still stresses my bladder to this day when I hear it.................................................................
O.K. I'll share it with you. About 13 years ago my friend's family was in church. The usual speaker was explaining the finer points of salvation, when my friend's father noticed something peculiar with the audience. One by one, various people in the congregation started cracking up. Then, the people who couldn't contain their laughter were whispering to others, spreading the laughter bug. My friend's dad Gary thought this strange until he observed that the hysterical giggles came after the viewing of the Sunday announcements. Everyone grabs one on the way in to sacrament meeting, but mostly the back side of the annoument page is used for the scrap paper of kids doodling. Gary decided to examine the fine print on the other side further. He didn't notice anything out of the ordinary at first, except a new message about the PENNIES BY THE INCH drive. Immediatley, he erupted in laughter and by this time the bishop of the church saw the typo and had to comment to the congregation to kinda smooth things over to those without a sense of humor. Pennies was mispelled. The illustrious misprint, that is now legend and an awesome Sunday dinner topic, read as follows. "PENIS BY THE INCH. PLEASE DONATE."
:END LOF ENTRY
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| STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| 06.03.04 (11:02 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104154.13[/b]
I coudn't sleep last night....at all. I just sat in my bed looking up at the ceiling in pure agony. I had caught a song. What's that you ask? Well I'll tell you. It's when you are tired beyond belief and your brain is stuck in some kind of loop and the only thing it can do to teach you a lesson to go to bed on time is to torture you with a song........over and over and over again. I didn't mind it the other day when LED ZEPPLIN'S "Ramble on" was on continuious repeat. It was quite entertaining. Although last night I had made the mistake of watching 5 minutes of Anamaniacs a few hours before bed. 1 a.m. rolls around and I have to deal with "PINKY AND THE BRAIN," in perfect clarity, from begining to end, over and over. The last verse is the worse which goes like this. "It's Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain." That's even worse than the screaming, pounding, dissonance of CELIN DION, or however you spell her stupid name. I didn't deserve that one I tell you. I was flipping through the radio in my car when the light turned. I had to drive, naturally, so it was left on the pansy station for a minute. Night rolls around and the stupid Titanic song was my company for the evening. I have made a mental note though. If I do discover the jack--- who stole my license plate, I will not only deprive him of his or her precious sleep, but in that exhaustive, half comatose state, they will find they will be searching for mercy anyway they can. Because they will have to deal with the nausea of Barry Manalow's bullcrap music, or the suicide thought provoking musical nonsense of Kenny G. Then it will repeat in their minds...and finally I will whisper my name in their ears.......SO THEY CAN USE IT TO SCREAM FOR MERCY!
:END FREAKING LOG ENTRY :evil: :twisted: :evil: :twisted:
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| LEMONADE STAND!!!!! |
| 06.01.04 (4:47 pm) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104152.18[/b]
Well, work was a joy with my wrist being all screwed up. To make matters worse, I chose to work even though I knew it was going to be painful. After all I was going to earn $300 in one shift...I can take some pain. All was well until my crew decided to give me the most fitting nickname of CAPTAIN GIMPPY MCCRIPPLE. Ha ha ha...stupid idiots. They also found enjoyment in giving me the honor of the most notable and prestigious postion of lemonade stand attendent....what else am I going to do...I'm Captain Gimppy Mccripple. Naturally I made to most of it......simply because it's hard to get bored at a BAR MITZVAH especially one with a Matrix theme on the top floor of the highest building in the city. So as one might guess the 125 guests consisted largely of teenagers around the age of 13. Since they couldn't drink they came to me to make their gourment lemonade. Real rasberries, bluberries, authentic flavoring and freshly squeezed lemons even caught the attention of most adults. I was a busy boy...uhh I mean attendent. Well, there was this group of 13 year old girls that decided to spend the entire night around MY STAND!!! I don't know why. They would get their lemonade then walk about 10 feet away and giggle, slurping up the stuff like they had been thirsty for days. I finally realized they were trying to flurt, but their seventh grade flurt experience scale was way way low; Probably just recently evolved out of the hitting stage. I found it quite amusing to watch as the only excuse they could come up with to talk to me was to get a lemonade then hurry up, drink it and come back for another. Lucky it was a hosted lemonade stand otherwise it would have been quite the bill for them. So I decided to teach them a lesson. I flirted back, not because I was interested in girls that young, sickos, but because I wanted to see just how much lemonade these girls could drink. You might say I was putting on the pressure to have their skills expand a little......After all they need the practice. It didn't work and I ended up going through gallons of the stuff. Their poor little bladders. Seriously they were getting up from their tables every five minutes during the whole ceremony. And during the candle ceremony they couldn't get up to leave so their legs became all figidy! Am I proud of myself? hmmmmmmmmmmm I'm going to have to say YES! What a blog subject. I end with this song......What are little girls made of? what are little girls made of? Ginger and spice and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of...also tons of lemonade. What are little boys made of? what are little boys made of? Snips and snails and puppy dog tails that's what little boys are made of! I never liked that song until now!
:END LOG ENTRY :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
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