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I have a FATALFAME FETUS, do you?
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| CLASSIC |
| 12.15.04 (1:05 pm) [edit] |
HERE'S A CLASSIC POST
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104137.12[/b]
Downstairs in my Grandma's house is the ultimate shower head. This prized jewel of Salt Lake, crafted in the 60's, has such amazing water pressure that it is exquisite utter joy to experience this thing. Well a couple weeks ago, I was in the mood for this nice long relaxing shower. After I washed myself and was squeaky clean, I noticed in the basket of shower goodies a product known as NAIR. Lets face it people, I'm a just a guy, a regular guy. I've never really dealt with such products that promise total hair removal in four minutes.....without shaving no less. All one has to do is spray it on the hair, then sit and ponder modern science at work. Well, to make a long story short, I decided to use it on the small patch of chest hair I have..............as well as my nipples. Four minutes went by and I wiped off the hair with a simple wash cloth, thinking that this was the coolest thing I had seen in months. Not but ten minutes later, my poor little nipples were fire engine red and so sensitive that the mere touch of clothing sent pain chills through my body arching my back and raising the hiars on the back of my neck. Concerned I reread the directions which didn't say anything about applying it to these specail places....until the very last line on the bottle....DO NOT APPLY TO NIPPLES OR GROIN AREA! OOOOOUCH! Why on earth wasn't that the first warning on the label. How lucky am I that I wasn't super curious as to expose other things to this NAIR stuff. Anyway, 2 weeks went by and finally my little guys are out of the woods. meaning they aren't all..........well, I'll spare you guys the graphic details and charming visuals that for sure would have popped in your heads!
TOODLES!!! :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:
:END LOG ENTRY
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| CLASSIC BLOG |
| 11.23.04 (10:48 am) [edit] |
I thought I'd give you all one of my classic posts!
:?: [b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104111.16[/b] I believe in a strong connection between body and mind. That's why when I saw this article I had to read on with a burning anticipation worthy of hell! "Boost your I.Q. with a toilet paper tube." A study was conducted were claims were made that a boost to your I.Q. of 15 to 20 points is possible by taping a toilet paper tube to the middle of your forehead! YES, finally I will be getting the respect I deserve. You see, the tube is placed just above your nose, right over the illustrious "THIRD EYE." The tube then creates a tornado like vortex that draws ambient atmospheric energies into the brain. According to the article, you can get results in two to three weeks by wearing the tube out-doors for as little as seven hours per day.--------Now I know what you're asking, where did I get the toilet paper tube? Guess what, you can get the tube right in your own home for free. My comrades at work thought ill of the idea, but the fact of the matter, sales have gone up 8%---Plus the newsletter, with picture, I might add, was a smashing sucess across the United States. I estimate that if I double the daily recommended allowance of the tube, (not yet endorsed by the F.D.A) I will have cured cancer by June....and that stupid riddle about the midget in the elevator! :END LOG ENTRY :?:
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| MONO!!!!!!! |
| 09.23.04 (4:08 pm) [edit] |
There is a stupid virus inside me now trying to rewrite my DNA. MONONEUCLEOSIS. It susks big time. This little virus is nicknamed the kissing bug because you get it from kissing. Well not old captain. I handle on avaerage about a thousand dirty forks and spoons a week...it was only a matter of time. This is why I haven't posted as much. Just recently I thought I was over it, and then I worked this huge week and sure enough I got a charming relapse. I went to the doctor's office again because 4 days with a fever of 101 isn't good. This time they took so much blood I passed out and they got blood all over my shirt. NOW THERE'S THIS HUGE BRUISE ON MY ARM! It looks like I'm a gereatric person....Hell, I fell like I'm gereatric person.
As one might guess I have little patience. Now I understand why old people are so rude and angry all the time. In fact when I'm really thinking about buying this sign!
:END BLOG ENTRY
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| DRUNK CAT |
| 09.07.04 (8:24 am) [edit] |
Some people think that this is the way male cats spend there time.....well they're right. Remote in hand, beer in hand. And the best part, look where his little paw is. I'm going to do my best to see what female cats do in there spare time! Check out this link for another story that happened to me...I'm EGGS BENEDICT
http://libertyskids.tblog.com" title="http://libertyskids.tblog.com" target="_blank"http://libertyskids.tblog.com...
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| MY CAT AND JONES SODA |
| 08.26.04 (9:40 am) [edit] |
This picture might be the new picture for JONES SODA. Can you imagine buying your soda and having a picture of JABBA THE CAT on it. Anyway, I need ya'll to vote. If you have the time, got to the following website and vote. http://www.jonessoda.com I'd love to have a famous cat. Anyway thank you all for supporting the LIBERT'Y KIDS BLOG http://libertyskids.tblog.com... Check out me enrty for 8-26. Pretty funny if you ask me!
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| CAPTAIN'S CAT |
| 08.10.04 (11:11 am) [edit] |
CAPTAIN'S BLOG: SUPPLEMENTAL
Below is a picture of my cat. Yes that is my cat and he weighs 34lbs. You might have seen him before on the combined blog site of LIBERTY'S KIDS..check it out. http://libertyskids.tblog.com... Anywho, Jean-luc is his name and he's had plenty of nicknames over the years. Here they all are!
1. FAT CAT
2. SASSYS...pronounced zassys.
3. JABBA THE CAT
4. MR. CHUNKY
Usually when a person first see's him they exclaim a profanity and then try to convince themselves he's not real, or he's not that fat...well folks he is. Don't think I just feed him bacon.....because I don't. He's been on wieght control fromula now for 5 years...doesn't make a difference. He's the best pet, except he snores like a human!  TOODLES
:END BLOG ENTRY
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| THIS NEW BLOG ROCKS!!!! |
| 07.21.04 (12:15 pm) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104202.14[/b]
This new blog site I'm on really rocks. It has 5 of us on it, so it's always updated with different posts every few hours. Don't just read one, scroll down and read a few.
Once again, I'm the blond guy, under the name of EGGS BENEDICT! Check it out, and be patient. CAPTAIN'S BLOGS isn't going anywhere!
Here's the link. http://libertyskids.tblog.com...
:END BLOG ENTRY :P
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| CAPTAIN'S BLOG IS ON SHORE LEAVE |
| 07.20.04 (12:27 pm) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104201.14[/b]
It's time to make a huge announcement. Captain's Blogs will be moving to a new blog site. I'm joining forces with some of my chums for a time. DON'T WORRY, You're still going to get all my awesome stories. I am also still going to post on this site once a week to keep it up. Go to http://libertyskids.tblog.com... I'm the blond dude and my segment will be called, EGGS BENEDICT. Be sure to sign up and become friends so you can get e-mails updating posts. Feel free to place your comments on this blog if you don't like the new home.
Once again, THE CAPTAIN WILL BE BACK HERE, BUT NOT TODAY! ENJOY
:END BLOG ENTRY :D
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| LIES, ALL LIES |
| 07.17.04 (7:39 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104198.09[/b]
I shoudn't post a blog at work, nevertheless, I think I should get this out in the open. Here goes.
[i][u][b]I WAS NEVER ON DOUBLE DARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!![/b][/u][/i]
:END BLOG ENTRY :twisted:
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| BUSY BEE |
| 07.16.04 (12:40 pm) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104197.14[/b]
Yes I haven't had a blog in 4 days. That's because I've been super busy with quite the unusal rush of banquets at my hotel. Not that I'm complaining...overtime means once again I most likely pocket $30 an hour. Which is why I think ALL A DOLLAR is the Shiznit. Everything in the entire store is a dollar, so why, everytime I shop there, do I hear someone ask the price on an item? Yes the joke was funny, when in my younger days, I would bug the employees by asking the obvious question of price. Not just once, but many times....Even after they would say everything in the store IS A DOLLAR! But really people.....just don't ask. ALL A DOLLAR MEANS ALL A DOLLAR. Geeezzzzzzzzz! YES EVEN BATTERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:END BLOG ENTRY :?
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| NOT ANOTHER ONE |
| 07.12.04 (1:15 pm) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104193.15[/b]
I AM TICKED OFF! Would ya'll like to know why I"M TICKED OFF? Well, I'll tell you.
A couple of days ago I was shaving....yes I shave. Anywho, upon closer examination of my face, I found a freckle had made a home for itself. A FRECKLE!!!!!!!!!!!Of all the places on my body, why my face? Maybe it's a liver spot...who knows. Afterall I will be turning 30 in December. Maybe my Liver is just falling apart and the little pieces are traveling trough my blood-stream picking stupid spots on my body to retire. Yes, I know that's not what liver spots are, so all the smartees can forget correcting me in my comments.
Anyway, my physical was a smashing sucess. However, instead of making me turn my head and cough, he simply had me flex my stomach muscles. Also, this Doc is a huge fan of my blood. He looooooooooves it so much that he said to me that if he was going to write a technical journal on blood, he would use mine as an example. Wow, I guess that's why I never catch colds or get the flu............................................................................................................................That long pause of periods was me taking the time to knock on wood.
SO IF MY BLOOD IS SO GOOD, HOW COME I HAVE A FRECKLE ON MY FACE?
:END BLOG ENTRY :x :x
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| YIKES |
| 07.10.04 (12:30 pm) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104191.14[/b]
I was going to blog again today, but the people around me, extremely less active on the hygiene scale, forgot to purchase their SPEEDSTICK. Need I gag more!
:END BLOG ENTRY :x
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| OUCH! |
| 07.09.04 (11:16 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104190.13[/b]
I don't know what it is about bread, but I LOVE IT. In fact, I could eat bread all the time...especially at restaurants. One of my favorite restaurants is the OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY. With each lucious, tantalizing, dinner comes a loaf of homemade bread with your choice of both regular and garlic butter. YUM YUM. Funny thing is, I think I get a little to excited because everytime I eat bread, I get a nasty case of hiccups. For example, last night I was with my chickadee and her friend at the FACTORY, when I downed some bread like a hungry dog. Upon swallowing my last bite, not but 2 seconds later, I had a spasmatic inhalation of the glottis (HICCUP). The accompanying peculiar sound that erupted from my lips was so forceful and violent, it jerked my head backwards slamming it oh so hard into the headboard of the chair. OUCH!!!!!!!!! I then realized that I should completly masticate before I swallow. (masticate means chew.....pervs!) Oh well, I just hope I don't get hiccups everytime I get super excited....otherwise my wedding night might be a little wierd. Be that as it may, the back of my head was a little sore today. I'm just glad I didn't pass out and wake up to songbirds flying around my head. he he!
:END BLOG ENTRY :oops:
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| THE TRUTH HURTS |
| 07.08.04 (11:10 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104189.13[/b]
My friend Brandy gave me this most informative e-mail...I thought I'd pass it along.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her, dine her, call her, support her, hold her, surprise her, compliment her, smile at her, listen to her, laugh with her, cry with her, romance her, encourage her, believe in her, pray for her, cuddle with her, shop with her, give her jewelry, buy her flowers, hold her hand, write love letters to her, go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked, bring chicken wings, don't block the T.V...............and the one I'm adding, call him Captain!
THANKS BRANDY!
:END BLOG ENTRY :wink:
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| 3:16 A.M. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| 07.07.04 (11:32 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104188.13[/b]
I can never sleep well if I know I have to wake up early. Most of the time when I work it's in the wee hours of the morn. Notwithstanding, today, waking up @ 5 A.M. was no exception.
I finally drifted off to sleep about 1:20 A.M. after looking at the ceiling lost in the stream of consciouness that is my thought pattern at night. Suddenly I awoke to the phone ringing, LOUDLY, @ 3:16 A.M. Things are always loud when you wake up. I answered the phone with a HELLO, that was somewhat livid and most notably rude! The only reply I recieved was the screaming pounding disonence of a fax machine!
I slammed the phone back down on the receiver and fell asleep arguing with myself about wether or not I should disconnect the phone just in case the tactless, dot matrix, apperatice put me back on the repeat call list........It never called back.
While driving to work, I thought of an awesome idea. How fun would it be to program your fax machine with regular phone numbers from the phone book, late at night of course, and simply sit by the machine with a root beer and cheetos entertaining yourself by listening to all the groggy, swearing, colorful metaphores that would no doubt follow the annoying beeps.
"GOLD JERRY, IT'S GOLD"
Oh the joy of laughing yourself to the bathroom!
Just don't try it with me again, because it all seems so fishy!
:END BLOG ENTRY :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
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| EXCUSE YOU !!!!!! |
| 07.06.04 (1:25 pm) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104187.15[/b]
I guess I like cranberry juice. I was at work only 2 hours before I realized I had slurpped down over a liter of the stuff....then I started on grape juice. I guess the next step is rehab.
All my little tibit observations of life mostly come from my experiences with the curious people I meet at my hotel. I bumped into a guest today, naturally on accident, and I said excuse me...the polite thing to do right? He then kept walking and muttered.."excuse you," back to me. I didn't know if this guy was sporting a rude comment or if that was the correct response to me begging for forgiveness. In all of my 29 years on Earth, I think I would have heard someone say "excuse you" back to me after I said excuse me. Well, irony can be so ironic, simply for the fact that this exact thing happened to me a couple of days ago. Well aside from me apperently having a contiuning battle with my depth perception, I bumped into a man who responded with the same exact statement. "EXCUSE YOU." --------Are they being rude, or is this the proper thing to say? What's next? If I start saying "Pardon me," will they start saying "Pardon you?"
:END BLOG ENTRY :?
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| URINE TEST |
| 07.02.04 (11:10 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104183.13[/b]
Well, well, well. I had to go into the old doctor's office for some boold tests. I'll be geeting a physical on the 7th so of course they need to drain me of my precious life fluid. I think physicals are important....not that I'm a fan of the saying, "turn your head and cough," it's just that I think everyone should get one at least once a year. So I headed on in, took a seat in the waiting room until my name was called. FINALLY, I went up to the nurse and was handed a flask.........for my urine sample. "Oh, no." I thought...I had just used the bathroom. She simply said, "do the best you can," in ear shot of about 20 gereatric patients no doubt thankful they have to pee every ten minutes. So, I ventured into the illustrious clinic MEN's room and tried to to the best I could. Funny thing is, there are instructions up on the wall of what to do when giving a urine sample. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are people that stupid. Then to make matters worse, some old man doesn't seem to get the hint that the door is locked and keeps trying to come into the bathroom. I didn't have to go in the first place and a case of stage fright on top of it all didn't help matters at all. PEOPLE, IF A PUBLIC RESTROOM IS LOCKED, THAT MEANS SOMEONE IS USING IT. It's the same thing on elevators...if you get into one and the button of your floor has already been pushed, all glowing like a Christmas tree, you don't need to press it again! IDIOTS! Ok, I'm done. HAPPY 4th!
:END BLOG ENTRY :x
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| WHO MAKES IT ALL UP? |
| 06.30.04 (11:32 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104181.13[/b]
Some people say my blog is boring and monotonous. They also claim I just write about stupid things.....well duh. I've told everyone that my blog turns the mudane and the ordinary into moderately good reading. So in honor of those few people, I've decided to blog about the most boring thing possible. NO IT'S NOT THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF BARBARA BUSH. It's simply talking about the luckily individual who gets to make up words. Who is this person, and why is it that if they make up a word, it's concrete? Is it some kind of government job? Seriously, who made up the word TABERNACLE...or PICKLE. Listen to how ridiculous those sound when you say them slowly...hey RIDICULOUS there's one right there. The interesting part about all of this, is that we've all gotten use to these funny words. Take SNEEZE for instance. SNEEEEZZEE! Look at it in a different light. It sounds like it came from a DR. SUESS book. Or BANANNA....what is that?... a BAN on ANNA's eating this fruit because she's allergic? Or FELINE...how does that describe a cat?
I don't know, sometimes I get so worked up. So I'm going to make up a word...no no, two words. If Snoopdog can create SHIZNIT, I can make up something as well. So here goes. A new word that has recently been created is called a FLORN. Why FLORN?................Why SNEEZE? Oh, oh, also, that little part on your windshield the windsheild wipers miss that looks like a shark's fin is called a SMARF. Go, look to see if you have on right now! Better clean those SMARFS. I could go on for hours....but I won't. Please feel free to give your new words a run through on my comments list. I'd love to see some new FLORNS!
:END BLOG ENTRY :?:
p.s. Kudos to the guy who came up with SCRUPLES
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| COMPLETE AND UTTER CONTROL |
| 06.28.04 (10:57 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104179.12[/b]
Well, I don't know much about yawns, but what I do know is the urban legend exclaiming that you can catch them from your exhausted friends is a sure reality. I personally haven't the slightest clue as to why our bodies feel the need for a sudden breath of air. Notwithstanding, I'm sure the air is needed for our brain chemistry to ward off the increasing levels of dopamine so our little neurons continue to fire thus maintaing a conscious state even when our body has being crying for a break.
Although I do find entertainment in the fact that you can basically manipulate any situation with anybody, by merely faking a yawn. Seriously, if you're with a group of people, you' re tired and it's late. Just yawn. One by one it will flow through your friends like an out of control epidemic. Then at the end of the cycle, simply say, "Wow, didn't think I was so tired...I think I'll call it a night." Suddenly your friends will agree.....yipppeee!!!!! They will want to go home, completley oblivious to the fact that they were manipulated, and they didn't even know it.
Same goes for dates, uncomfortable silences, getting out of a phone call. It's gold people.....gold! Of course I just compromised my little secret to my friends...sorry guys.
Oh, and don't forget if you are ever in court and that 5th amendment thing doesn't seem to be a work'in, give it a yawn....oh yea. give it a yawn. That jury won't be stay'n long, if ya simply open you're mouth and yawn! Give it a yawn, oh yea give it a yawn.
Sing with me people!
END LOG ENTRY:
p.s. If you yawned while reading this, consider yourself maniupulated. Give it a yawn...oh yea, give it a yawn! :wink:
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| REVENGE IS TURKEY BEST SERVED COLD! |
| 06.24.04 (12:31 pm) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104175.14[/b]
I was attacked by 4 weiners on Sunday! It was quite the experience to say the least. One minute I was calm and clean and then the next, dirty, smelly and trying to escape. 4 weiners is alot to handle, especially if you've never handled one before. Oh by the way this is also a "PERV" check. To those who knew I was talking about dogs, congrats. To the others who quietly giggled...SHAME. This wasn't the first time I have had a run in with dogs. Oh yes, there was a time where I was working this offsite banquet for work. It was in one of the more expensive homes on top of the Rocky Mountains. This house minimun was probably worth 5,000,000. It was Christmas and the staff had just finished decorating for dinner; a task that took many hours. While decorating, everyone invloved had to battle these 2 dogs that belonged to the host. Now, I love dogs, but I recognize that they are still dogs. It's the dog owners who think they are human and a part of the family that bug the crap out of me. These 2 German Sheppards had free run of the house as if they thought they were human, thus bringing out the food was complete hell. Soon the 150 guests arrived. You would think the hosts would put the dogs outside, or at the very least help us make sure the dogs would stop jumping up on the banquet table snagging food. WELL THEY DIDN'T. Hours of heated battles went by with these canines until finally the complaining of my friends and the constant pushing away saliva soaked tounges was to much for me and I snapped. After one of the turkeys was done, I had the chef take the carcus into the back; as if we were going to serve dark meat when we had plenty of turkeys. I instucted him to pick the bones dry. 10 min later he calls me back and shows me a huge plate of turkey. "Why did you have me do this?" He asked. I simply placed the plate of turkey on the floor and merely opened the door without answering. Naturally the dogs were right by the door but this time I didn't nudge them to keep out. They came in and started on the plate immediatley. If all went well, within 20 minutes I wouldn't have to deal with these dogs anymore.
Well, the plan went a little to well. The dogs stuffed themselves so fast that the little chemical in turkey that makes you fall asleep must have been a little more potent for them. I came into the living room to see both dogs comatose on the floor, the concerned owner inspecting them closely exclaiming to his wife he had never seen them this way before. When he tried to stand them up, they simply fell over with a THUMP! He even tried opening their eyes, but their eyeballs were going all crazy with hysterical REM patterns. I had to act fast, so I bent down with the owner and said, "Oh, uhh it's real hot in here and there's alot of excitment. Maybe they're just overwhelmed and exhausted...afterall, it's been a big day. Maybe if you take them outside to cool off." "Good idea," he said...thank goodness. Once outside they recovered a little, but they were done for the night, to sleepy to even move. After the night was concluded, the host came up to us and expressed his utter appreciation on how professional we were......little did he know. He then gave us each $200. We declined at first and told him that the tip was included in the bill. He gave it to us anyway. TIPS on TIPS he said, Merry Christmas! I then gave my concern that I hoped his dogs were ok all the while inwardly biting my lip. If he ever found out!!!! Oh well, I guess the dogs were fine because I never heard of the lawsuit, but my co-workers love to remind me of the story every once in a awhile just for kicks and a good laugh!
:END LOG ENTRY :wink:
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| I'M BACK |
| 06.23.04 (12:40 pm) [edit] |
Just a heads up to everyone------I will be a blogg'in in the early morn! I've just been a little bit busy!
CAPTAIN BRIGGS
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| VERY TWISTED DREAM |
| 06.16.04 (8:37 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104167.10[/b]
Sometimes I'm at a loss as to what my subconscious is trying to tell me. Everyone dreams and everyone knows that dreams are the outlets for the problems we face in day to day life; albeit sometimes the imagery has sort of a wacky symbolism to make us ponder just what on earth is bugging us. Well my dream last night falls into this category and has me completely baffled as to its meaning. I was driving in my car minding my own beeswax when all of a sudden there was a terrible car wreck ahead of me. Some car had gone off the road and hit a tree. I was the first one on the scene and when I approached the car that was steaming and mangled, I noticed that no-one was driving it. Upon further investigation I discovered that indeed, someone was driving, they were just short. Really, really short and green. It was Gekko, the Geico insurance lizard. We've all seen the commercials on TV. Well, I flipped out and grabbed the little guy and rushed into the nearest grocery store. Why a grocery store? I dunno ask my brain. Anywho, immediatley upon entering the store, some clerk seemed to already know there was trouble, and he knew it was Gekko. I chose an isle and set him down and.....well this is where it gets embarrassing. The clerk and I started CPR. He would breath for the little guy, (thank goodness that wasn't my job) and I took my forefinger and placed it on his throat mimicking a pumbing action to start his heart. We were unsucessful. Determined and quite resolute I might add, the clairvoyant, well prepared clerk, just happened to have a defibulator on hand. CLEAR!!! he'd scream as the electronic voltage shook the little lizard trying to resesitate his precious life. I can still hear his body absord the shock of electricity...you know the gross sound they always have on ER. Finally, we had to quit. I looked up and noticed people in deep mourning with their faces in their hands, sobbing starting to surface. Then I awoke. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I did note however that indeed that would be a pretty cool spoof for Saturday Night Live. Gekko, the Geico lizard killed in a car accident........I wonder if he had insurance?
:END LOG ENTRY :cry: :cry:
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| WHAT DID YOU JUST DO? |
| 06.14.04 (10:52 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104165.12[/b]
A guy got fired at the "HOTEL," so I've been filling in working two jobs at once. Needless to say I've been busy. I don't complain though. Sometimes the jobs overlap and I pocket $30 bucks an hour. So the other day at work, which is bascially where I live now, I was moving a large table in a rather small hall. I was strutting along at a pretty good pace when I approached a corner. Now, being the good Hotel Employee I am I said to myself, "Slow down, there could be a person right around the corner." There was, and I almost ran into him. But not after his weird little.......well I don't even know what to call it so I'll try to explain. We both hit the corner at the same time. He thought I was going to run straight into him, so instead of saying something like...watch out, or look out...or anything, he just looked at me with these wide eyes and waved his hand like Ben Kenobi using the force and kept walking. I stopped for a sec and turned my head to look at him with an amused expression on my face. If I hadn't been in uniform I would have made fun of this guy like there was no tomorrow! Did this moron honestly think he had the force? Seriously it was the strangest thing a person could have done in that situation. Who does that, especially with WIDE EYES? I guess I have to give him some credit, I didn't hit him with the table. If he did have this gift, why couldn't he have just cleaned up his own stupid table by sending all his plates downstairs via the force? I duuno, I just dunno!
:END LOG ENTRY :?
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| CAUGHT IN THE PAPER SHREDDER |
| 06.11.04 (11:56 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104162.14[/b]
I was reminded of a story today at work as I passed through the office. The manager of room service was shredding important documents and I had to laugh as I heard the mechanical motor chew up his incriminating eveidence. I stopped and decided to share my experience with a paper shredder not but 10 years ago in Germany. Needless to say, he laughed his pants off. I was serving a mission for my church and was about to be sent home. I had been up for 52 hours because there was just to much to do...my body was capable of such magnificent feats back then. I was still helping out in the office, half comatose to say the least, when I bent down to unplug the little portable heater, as was the tradition so we didn't burn down the place at night. All of a sudden I was jerked to the ground and I heard this terrible grinding noise. In that first moment of panic I had to wonder just what on Earth was going on. All to soon I put 2 and 2 together and realized my tie had been sucked up by the shredder........and I was next. Quickly I put my hand right below the knot and grabbed firmly to give me a little slack as I pulled back with all my might. The thing didn't let go. Smoke was starting to rise out of it and the motor started to sound like shifting gears without a clutch. Finally I broke free. After the initial shock eveporated into embarrasment and humor, I glanced at my favorite silk neck tie and saw it was half eaten with shredder teeth marks all over it. Upon hearing the commotion, my comrades came rushing into the room to see me standing there with this stupid expression, a half eaten tie, and a smoking paper shredder. The laughing didn't stop for 30 minutes straight. So, My advice isn't watch yourself around paper shredders...it's merely, don't wear your favorite tie when operating one! :oops: :oops: :oops:
:END LOG ENTRY
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| THE THRONE |
| 06.10.04 (10:53 am) [edit] |
[b]CAPTAIN'S BLOG STARDATE: 104161.12[/b]
Life has it's little interesting ironies. One in particular nataurally occurs at the Hotel in which I work. Everybody has their own rituals when they use the bathroom.....everybody. People like the restroom to be private, clean, smelling good with an eternal, abundant supply of toiletries to always be on hand. And of course most of all, they don't like anyone else to be in the same room just in case a loud squeaker occurs. Such is this bathroom on the second floor of my Hotel. As George from SEINFELD would say, "Exquisite facilities, just exquisite." This restroom is a work of art. Comfortable lighting, clean as clean can get with warm inviting colors so one does not experience stage-fright. Plus it smells sooooooo good with a fragrance I'm sure has to be imported.-----I've noticed an entertaining pattern in the four years of my employment at this place. This secluded restroom is virtually unknown to the public and is a favorite with all the staff. When a number "2" is imminent, they all go to this bathroom. Turns out just recently everyone has realized that everyone else has held this restroom in such high regaurd. Gets even better. Upon further investigation, it would appear that not only does all the staff use the same restroom, but the same stall as well. This is true for the ladies as well in their bathroom....Why? I must ask. Why do humans have to have the same place to, well, you know, go, as cats have to give birth? Is it instinct? I think if everyone got together and discussed it, we would all find some interesting patterns...for instance, some people won't even use a public restroom. Be that as it may, it would seem that indirectly, all of the males' butts have touched. I'm not to happy about that one, though I'm sure some are...if you catch my drift. So in honor of this restroom, next group meeting I have, I will propose the suggestion that those who use this toilet throne, have to sport the stupid paper crown I will pick up BURGER KING. That way, when the #2 comes a knock'in, just head up to the 2nd floor (ironic it's the 2nd floor) reach behind the toilet, grab the CROWN so you can enjoy the THRONE!
:END LOG ENTRY :wink: :wink: :wink:
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